Thai/Farang relationships. Part II
Entry posted by PeeMarc ·
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(My journal yesterday was the first of 3 parts)
What’s love got to do with it?
For many single Westerners, living permanently in Thailand, the idea (or fantasy) of one day having the ‘perfect Thai wife’ is very real. And with this idea, of course, comes a wide range of expectations and preconceptions, most of which are gathered while growing up in the West and mostly (unfortunately) tend to be unrealistic or just fantasy, here in Thailand.
Yesterday’s journal was about communication and the importance of both Thai and Westerners learning about each other’s different cultures. In this journal, I would like to share with you my thoughts and observations about one subject that seems to be the second most important issue in any serious relationship:
‘Love.’
Some people might disagree with me when I say this, but in Thailand (and many other Asian cultures) it appears to me that ‘love’ and ‘love-based’ marriages are not what many westerners think they are. Nor do I think that ‘love’ in the broad western notion, is really a high priority in Thai relationships, as it is in the west. “Love doesn’t pay the bills”, “You can’t eat Love” are some things I have heard often here. And I believe that this is one of the main reasons why, especially when Thai/Farang relationships go through growing pains or problems, things can easily come adrift. Things dont seem to match.
I remember discussing ‘love’ with my girlfriend once, in the early days of seeing each other. We both kind of agreed that saying “I love you” can mean so many different things to different people and cultures. We decided that we needed to explore what these words actually mean to both of us before we ever used them. These words, when spoken in earnest to a partner are, in a way, like a short-hand code for a massive amount of thoughts, ideas, feelings, upbringing, stigma, social and family influences, education, experiences and environments.
No two people seem to agree on what Love actually is, but then when two people, from very different backgrounds and cultures, decide to lay this down as one of the main foundations of their relationship or marriage, surely they should both figure out what it really means to them and how important it is to each.
But what is ‘love’ to a westerner?
It really is impossible to find one definition that will please every westerner, but here is one list of attributes of love:
Patient – showing self-control.
Kind – giving attention, appreciation, and encouragement.
Humble – being authentic without pretense and arrogance.
Respectful – treating other as important.
Selfless – meeting the needs of the other.
Forgiving – giving up resentment when wronged.
Honest – being free from deception.
Committed – sticking to your choices.
I wonder how many Thai girls would agree with all this as their true version of ‘love’ for them, or what they expect it to be. But, the more important question that needs to be asked is: Would a Thai girl put ‘Love’ (and a western version of love) as the MAIN foundation of their relationship with their life partner?
I know many Thai girls talk about it, but in reality, I’m not so sure.
Trouble is, most westerners DO see ‘love’ as THE most important and vital part of a long-term relationship. “Love conquers all” and “Love is all you need”. That’s the way most have been brought up and seen their own parents and other couples. That’s what many aspire to. And when things get bad, they amy look to this foundation and say: “But I love you”, or “But… we love each other”.
And she says: “But, it takes more than Love, honey”.
And he will be crestfallen to hear this from her.
In 1973, a man named John Lee developed what he called ‘Love styles’* or ‘Colours of Love’* in which he described and then researched 6 different ways people love another. Of course this is, in many ways, still a western view. But I will briefly describe them here in order to make my points later, so bare with me. As you read these, you might recognize your own style(s) and it is important to note that most people (according to Lee) look for partners who will ‘match’ their own style of loving.
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1. ‘EROS’: is literally the love of beauty. It is a highly sensual style of love. Erotic lovers choose their lovers by intuition or ‘chemistry’. They are more likely to say they fell in love at first sight than those of other love styles.
Erotic lovers view marriage as an extended honeymoon, and sex as the ultimate aesthetic experience. They tend to address their lovers with pet names, such as "sweetheart" or "honey." An erotic lover can be perceived as a hopeless romantic. Those of other love styles may see erotic lovers as unrealistic, or trapped in a fantasy.
The advantage of erotic love is the sentimentality of it. It is very relaxing to the person doing it. The disadvantage is the inevitableness of the decay in attraction, and the danger of living in a fantasy world. In its extreme, ‘Eros can resemble naivete.
Examples of Eros can be found in movies such as ‘Blue Lagoon’ and ‘Pretty Woman’
2. ‘LUDOS’: Ludic lovers are players. More interested in quantity than quality of relationships, Ludic lovers want to have as much fun as possible. Ludic lovers choose their partners by playing the field, and quickly recover from break-ups.
Ludic lovers generally view marriage as a trap, and are the most likely of the love styles to commit infidelity. They might view children as a sign of fertility, or, if male, a confirmation of their masculinity. They regard Sex as a conquest or a sport, and they engage in relationships because they see them as a challenge.
The advantage of Ludic love is excellent sexual technique. The disadvantage is the likelihood of infidelity. In its extreme form, ludic love becomes promiscuity.
Examples of Ludus in movies include: ‘Dangerous Liaisons’
3 ‘STORGE’: Storgic lovers are friends first. Storgic love develops gradually out of friendship, and the friendship can endure beyond the breakup of the relationship. Storgic lovers choose their mates based on homogamy, and sometimes cannot pinpoint the moment that friendship turned to love. Storgic lovers want their significant others to also be their best friends.
Storgic lovers place much importance on commitment, and find their motivation to avoid committing infidelity is to preserve the trust between the partners. Children and marriage are seen as legitimate forms of their bond. Sex is of lesser importance than in some of the other love styles.
The advantage of storgic love is the level of intimacy between the partners. The disadvantage is boredom and lack of passion.
Examples of storge in movies include: ‘When Harry met Sally’
3 ‘PRAGMA’: Pragmatic lovers are practical. Pragmatic lovers think rationally and realistically about their expectations in a partner, and select them via comparison shopping or shopping-list love. Pragmatic lovers want to find value in their partners, and ultimately want to work with their partner to reach a common goal.
Pragmatic lovers will avoid infidelity to avoid adverse consequences, and carefully weigh the costs and rewards of a relationship. Pragmatic lovers view sex as a reward or a means of procreation, and view marriage and children as potential liabilities and assets.
The advantage of pragmatic love is practicality and realism. The disadvantage is undemonstrativeness and lack of emotion. In its extreme form, pragma can become prostitution.
Examples of pragma in books and movies include: ‘Ordinary People’ and Charlotte in ‘Pride and Prejudice’
5. ‘MANIA’: Manic lovers often have low self-esteem, and place much importance on their relationship. Manic lovers speak of their partners in possessives and superlatives, and feel they "need" their partners. Love is a means of rescue, or a reinforcement of value. Manic lovers often discover their partners by haphazard means.
Manic lovers will avoid committing infidelity if they fear discovery. They view marriage as ownership, and children as either competition or a substitute for their lover. Sex is a reassurance of love. Manic lovers are often anxious or insecure, and can be extremely jealous. Manic lovers respond well to therapy, and often grow out of this style.
The advantage of manic love is intensity. The disadvantage is jealousy, obsessiveness, and insatiability. In its extreme, mania becomes addiction or codependency.
Extreme examples of mania in movies include: ‘Misery’ and ‘Fatal Attraction’
6. ‘AGAPE’: Agapic love is self-sacrificing, all-encompassing love. Agapic lovers are often spiritual or religious people. Agapic lovers view their partners as blessings, and wish to take care of them.
Agapic lovers will remain faithful to their partners to avoid causing them pain, and will often wait patiently for their partners after a break-up. Marriage and children are sacred trusts, and sex is a gift between two people. Agapic love believes itself to be unconditional, though lovers taking an agapic stance to relationships risk suffering from inattention to their own needs.
The advantage of agapic love is its generosity. A disadvantage is that it can induce feelings of guilt or incompetence in a partner. In its deviant form, agape becomes martyrdom.
Examples of agape include: ‘Titanic’ or ‘Forrest Gump’
In contrast, Buddhists teach that ‘love’ can be described by the following 3 examples:
1. ‘Kama’. In Buddhism, Kama is sensous, sexual love. It is an obstacle on the path to enlightenment, since it is selfish.
2. ‘Karun’: is compassion and mercy that reduces the suffering of others. It is complimentary to wisdom, and is necessary for enlightenment.
3. ‘Advesa’ or ‘Maitri’: are benevolent love. This love is unconditional and requires considerable self-acceptance. This is quite different from the ordinary love, which is usually about attachment and sex, which rarely occur without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to detachment and unselfish interest in others' welfare.
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By describing these, I am in no way trying to define ‘Love’. My point is that ‘Love’, from western point of view is extremely varied in western peoples minds and hearts.
But, the real issue is: What do Thai people honestly expect as the real priorities when it comes to the very core foundations of a long-term relationship? What works for them?
I don’t have any answers for this either. And again, I wish I did. But one thing I know for sure, marriage to many Thai girls and their families has more priorities before ‘love’ comes into it. And the true test of strength for any relationship is to see how it is when things get tough. This is when a couple often find (finally) out – for the first time - that their different views of ‘love’ and also different views of what the cornerstones of their relationship REALLY are.
As difficult as it may seem to be (since many Thai don’t really feel comfortable discussing sensitive issues, perhaps it would be a good idea to have some understanding of what each other individual beliefs, aspirations and expectations are, if they are going to try to have a long-term relationship of any success.
I wish you all a great day 
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