Some more I dug up The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. --Jack Handy

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, ``Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or ``Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap! --Jack Handy

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. --Jack Handy

Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punchedme, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. --Jack Handy

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hearthat?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." --Jack Handy Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. --Jack Handey

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English." --Jack Handey"The whole world loves a lover" is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense. (Top5)

If I were smart, I'd probably start fewer sentences with "If I were smart." (Top5)

I think deep down, all any of us really wants is to be accepted, especially by young, attractive models with plenty of money and an unquenchable desire for sex. (Top5)