Sitting alone at my laptop at 2am the other night, fiddling with the final touches of a logo design, I wondered yet again: ?what the Hell am I doing??

I?m not complaining when I say this, but being a creative person can be, at times, an extremely lonely existence. It has been this way all of my life, and I am sure any artist, musician, writer, or anyone who uses their gifts to make their living, would have felt this way sometimes.

Having a gift for creativity has defined my life, made my life and often completely ruined my life.

The ancient Greeks used to believe in ?Muses? who were sisters and spirits who would inspire and drive an artist to dream and create. They would sing to him and speak to him, giving him secret knowledge and visions and even dance for him. They could often make him crazy. For me, it has often felt this way, especially in the middle of the night, driven sometimes to near madness, being pushed and guided by some unknown force beyond. Perhaps I too, have been cursed by these Muses. I really dont know.

There is a scene in Stephen Speilberg?s movie ?Close Encounters?, where the hero is slowly driven crazy with a vision he keeps seeing in his mind. The vision keeps haunting him, pushing him and finally ends up consuming his whole world. No-one understands him, nor can he explain the vision he keeps seeing. Some just call him crazy and some are even scared of him. He finds himself alone, isolated and desperate. Eventually, as if possessed and driven by spirits, he spends the entire day and all night building his vision right in the middle of his living room ? a huge mountain, up to the ceiling, exactly as he kept seeing it in his mind. As soon as he sees his completed vision in front of him he is finally both relieved and ecstatic. In many ways, I can really relate to this scene.

In 1952, an American artist Jackson Pollock created a masterpiece called ?Blue Poles?. In 1973, the Australian government paid US$2 million for it; the highest ever amount paid for a modern painting at that time. This caused a huge controversy in Australia at that time and it was all over the news. But, for me, the story (or legend) of the creation of that painting was far more profound and meaningful. It is said that the painting is embedded with some bits of broken glass and even some of Pollock?s skin and blood. He created that painting in his home studio over 4-5 days of sleepless drunken and drug-fueled manic passion, anger, frustration, despair and desperate self-doubt. He was a man driven and consumed by a power way beyond his own human control. He wept and bled and hurt and poured himself and all he felt onto that canvas. (Today, it is estimated that ?Blue Poles? is worth US$100 ? 150 million.)

I would never say that I am an artist such as Jackson Pollock, or anyone great at all. I am just not that talented and never could claim to be. In fact, I have always suffered from terrible self-doubt. But I think most creative people, no matter how talented, who make their lives from their ideas, their visions and their work, can relate to this kind of passion and madness.

With a little bit of talent and some practice, most people can create. But, to really do something amazing (or at least the very best one can do) often takes an extraordinary effort and focus. It requires the person to shut out all else for a time. It often requires the creator to put ?himself? into it, to expose himself or to go through some sort of journey of discovery that can often be painful, terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

When I was about 6 or 7 years, I didn?t learn to draw or paint. But I kept spending endless days, alone, trying to recreate the visions I kept seeing in my mind. My parents saw me drawing and painting and making things. But actually, to me, all I was doing was trying to make my ?visions? become reality.

When I was 12, I started hearing music, harmonies, voices and sounds in my head. Not from the radio or TV, but sounds and tunes that seemed to come from somewhere else ? ones I had never heard before. I started to play guitar and other instruments, not to learn to play, but to try to recreate those sounds I kept hearing in my mind. I also found that, if I could hear a tune on a record, I could play that tune almost straight away, without anyone showing me how.

As the years went by, the visions and sounds in my head became more and more, and so I found myself learning to do so many things so that I could make those visions and sounds become real. There seemed no reason for all of this; I guess there never was. I used to think everyone had this kind of stuff going on their heads all the time, the same as me. I came to realize that most people don?t, but that doesn?t mean anyone is better or worse. It's just the way it seems to be.

Over time, creating things can be very addictive. For example, jamming (freestyle creation) in music. There is a moment in time when everyone and everything seems ?connected? and ?flying? together is some sort of perfect seperate universe. The music, the melodies, the sounds, rhythms and adrenaline mixes and creates a hypnotic sensation that makes everything, for that time, seem to float away. This is often called the ?zone?. It is the similar ?zone? known to athletes, craftsmen and artists alike. And this is the ?zone? one really needs to fiind and be in to truly use their given gift to create

Over the past 30 years, I have somehow made my living from my ideas and creations, from pure design, graphics, music, production, film and art, to business strategy, advertising campaigns and marketing. I have been doing so many things for so long, they are just as much a part of me as my legs and arms.

Sitting there at my laptop, at 2am, I reflected for a while on my eclectic past. My gift has given me so much in my life ? travel, adventure, good money (sometimes), experiences and sensations, highs and lows. But it has also often been a very lonely and sometimes destructive journey. I have felt so misunderstood more times than I care to remember, and it has caused many relationship problems because the other person just doesn?t seem to understand and I have never been very good at explaining it.

But, I am left wondering if I will in the end be alone with this.

This gift that is, indeed, also a curse.

It is cruel, isn't it!! to accept that you 'win some and lose some'. Appearantly, if you choose to stick with your gift then you gotta accept what its bringing with..loneliness..lack of understanding from others..etc.

We all like to grab what is good with us..but it seems that we have only two hands to hold !! And it's so lonely to death knowing that in the end..all you can hold is yourself..

But isn't this what Whitney Houston sings ??

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all"

Sometimes...we forget to embrace ourselves, bro.

My dear Nave - this was not a complaint in any way. Just my feeble attempt to write my thoughts and feelings and try to explain about this. Thats all.

Thanks

(by the way... i hated whitney's version of that song.... lol)

Awwww...poor Whitney and lets blame Bobby Brown !!! lol

mark don't u think your gift make u so special and i think that's enough for us as human kind. After reading your journal, i just wonder why don't u share your gift for auphant or poverty community who have no chance to get this know how for free. For me , i think god give the human to be talented 'cause he want us to be dedicated.

God Bless u

whitelotus - in Australia I did do charity work, and I also conducted many workshops and sometimes lectured.

The truth is, that I would be very happy if I could do things for children here in Thailand, particularly with poor or underprivileged kids. I believe that all children are very creative (pure) and that as we grow older, we learn to lose our dreams and ideas. We become 'adults' and try to be 'sensible' and practical about life and we create ow own responsibities to which we become bound.

To help and encourage children with creativity, to help them to believe in themselves through this is, definately one of my aspirations.

Thanks for the thought.

(and no, I have never considered myself 'special' at all.... lol)

>>>the other person just doesn?t seem to understand and I have never been very good at explaining it.

both maybe..

Really enjoyed reading it, and yes.. it IS a curse..

and A gift.

there is no cure for it, its how U handle it that makes the difference.

"But I think most creative people, no matter how talented, who make their lives from their ideas, their visions and their work, can relate to this kind of passion and madness."

and the self doubt, too. certainly, Pollock suffered from self doubt. arguably, that's what killed him, although some might say he killed himself.

i've never heard of anyone who really knew where there best work came from. incidentally, that 'zone' thing--athletes talk about that too. on the other hand, there is a certain kind of creativity involved in many sports.

as for being misunderstood, i moved here because the rent's cheaper and i could spend more time and energy writing, less doing chart's 'n' graphs for morgan stanley et al. try explaining THAT to anyone who has never done something similar. at least my dad has already written me off as insane, and come to accept it. i think that was at about age six...

Marc,

I can relate to your gift and curse.

So your not alone in this world.

Head up and move on

Your Friend

King

PeterH61, you know if you never wear that watch you might try putting it up on ebay.

Existential crisis or reflections of life past and present?

If your creativity is tormenting you, before you cut off an ear, get some balanced professional help--I am saying this in all sincerity, since i don't know you personally, and can only read, as well as read between the lines.

When I try to explain more complicated feelings and issues I sometimes get this in Thailand: "FriendlyCat, you think too much." In some ways that is true, but I have concluded that if you are the type of person who thinks too much, or obsesses, than that is your nature and you have to accept this, and you must learn to adapt to the world with all of your gifts and all of your deficits.

King...you stole my line..

Head Up and MOVE ON !!