For those few folks who might want to know, today is my 13th day without cigarettes and I think I have finally kicked the habit and that ugly 'monkey on my back' is almost gone.

The first 4 days were hell, and I isolated myself at home and just dealt with all the demons alone. Oh, they come, those demons, and play games and tricks with the mind and try many things.... "come on... just one cigarette… you can have one... its ok...just one puff... just have one cigarette and all this pain will go away.. you know it will…" Those tricky demons in my head drove me so crazy for hours at a time over those first days. At times I was on my knees, head in hands, a complete and physical emotional wreck. This was the power those cigarettes had gained over me for so many years.

During all this time, my gf had really no idea, empathy or understanding of what i was going through, even though I tried to explain. I can’t expect her to understand, nor can I ask for any sympathy, since this is my own, self-created problem and addiction.

Each day I wake up now, I can feel my body is healing more, my sense of smell and taste is returning. I can breath deeply again and I have more energy. My eyes are clearer and so is my head.

But, the irony is that now I have gained so much, but I’ve lost my sunshine - the one who was my inspiration for me to go through all of this and finally give up. She was the final reason to choose life rather than a slow death.

So, for what it’s worth, here’s my advice to anyone who is considering giving up an addiction – Getting over a serious addiction (such as cigarettes) is a very self-indulgent, self-absorbing process. Make sure your relationship is solid, make sure the people closest to you FULLY understand the process, and make sure you have a lot of support, faith and patience from those around you BEFORE you start.

Cheers (from a non-smoker)

good on ya marc stick to it mate I gave up in 1994/1995, I know how hard it is!!! good luck!!

Besides the health benefits, you forgot to say how much money you will save by not buying ciggies as well. That is another bonus.

It sounds like it was hell, so well done in sticking with it.

I dont envy you, but I wish you to continue handling so well. GO ON!

Ow

Dave - thanks mate.

Hugo - who knows?

Funky - fags here in Thailand cost so little, just TB64 per pack. But yes, over a while I will save a lot.

Vento - thanks mate. But not sure I have handled everything so well But I will go on...

Well done, PeeMarc and i'm sure she's happy knowing that you're now quit smoking.

I quit em too, a while back. my withdrawl was not that bad, compared to your story and other friends who have quit. Now I can enjoy the occasional cigar and it is nice.

i should pay you a visit and bring over some whisky and food and celebrate (but no cigars).

Girls often come around after a major change as this. Give her time.

beej - yep...ow

pink - thanks... i hope she is, but i wouldnt know

Jack - you know you're always welcome up at the farm, so just do it dude. (But, no cigars).

Many years ago, when I was working in summer holidays in constructing business to earn a few bucks, I asked the romanian manager of the subcontractor team why he smokes, and he answered: "'cause its fun". And hell it is. You cant deny it. It also cools you down and makes you creative.

Happy that you cut the bad habit, it will only prolong you to a longer life, that's good.........however, you didn't lose your gf because of your addiction, many other reasons for a relationship that didn't work out for both.......hang loose brother and don't lite up again ever!

dirty laundry in TF never did seem like a good idea to me !!!

I've deleted the prior comment. Let me suggest that the two parties get together and try hard to work it out. Obviously the man was going through a world of hurt and should be given a second chance for whatever perceived transgressions were felt by his Sunshine. The grammatical construction of one of the sentences FIVE entries above suggests Ms Sunshine knows there are plenty of reasons to make this effort.

Gosh...

I'm Happy with you, bro.. for smoking and...

I don't like seeing 'this'

I can't picture you without your sunshine !!!

Jai Yen Yen..bro...

and if Pi Jack is there..can I be there too? of course..i dont smoke !!!

JBJE - thanks but i have never asked for or expect any apology. It is what it is.

tonyforU - thanks for your comment. I have never said I lost my gf because of my addiction, I lost it during the process of giving up. I have never once blamed her or anyone for anything.

Going through this process often brings out the worst in someone, I admit that. The last paragraph was written because I regret NOT paving the way and securing understanding BEFORE i went ahead and did this. In hindsight, that was silly and many misunderstandings could have been avoided.

Also ironic is that, while this whole thing has been going on, I have been counselling a very close friend, almost every day, who's wife (Thai) is seriously addicted to 'ice'. My situation seems so small and pathetic compared with theirs.

Congrats! This is a step forward.

Nave - no need to ask ja, you are welcome too.

I like the Monkees.

It's not over yet buddy - That Monkey will always be there - and if you're not careful that little f*cker will sneak up on you. I don't think we ever truly quit we just spend every day trying to refrain!

Well done so far! But be careful (as you surely know): it's a mental exercise as well as a physical. The trick is to think ahead about what happens once after you (hopefully not) lighten up the first cigarette again...the lesson about doings and consequence.

I used to smoke years ago too, but still feel the temptaion now and then. A friend of mine (smoker of course) died of lung cancer, she developed tumors on her back and on her head, spreading from her lungs. They gave her chemo and rays, the tumors started to rotten and *stink*. She could not sleep at night because of pains, and finally died after much suffering...so, whenever I think about having a smoke, this memory pops up in my head and the temptation is GONE... :-P

tonyP - yeah... i gave up a long time ago for 6 years and that bastard came and got me again. I know I cannot ever have even one, ever again. Cheers.

gOmer - haha I kinda liked The Monkees too, when I was a kid.

NOTE: This journal was NEVER about playing any 'game', 'airing dirty laundry' ... or not 'being a gentleman'....or anything other than an update from the previous journal on this subject.

It is about my own regrets, shortcomings and mistakes I have made. It is about my problems with my addiction.

I repeat: "Going through this process often brings out the worst in someone (me), I admit that....I regret NOT paving the way and securing understanding BEFORE i went ahead and did this. In hindsight, that was silly and many misunderstandings could have been avoided."

i made the comment about dirty laundry in TF being a bad idea as i have seen similar journals degenerate into a mud slinging match with all and sundry giving their 2 bahts worth no matter how limited their knowledge of actual events. this journal was showing signs of heading in that direction !!

i am assumming urself and ur ex have other means of communicating "misunderstandings" with each other rather than the very public theatre that is TF !!

wasn't have a dig at either of U .... just giving a heads up !!

Ok bro..there's something good that I can bring it out!!!

At least...smoking..you're addicted to it..still..can quit it.

But lice on my head...

I never ever want it..yet..i can't get rid of it !!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

or i'll just have to quit my job..while you can quit smoking but don't have to quit yr loving 'marcsmithcompany'

CiaranM - thanks. appreciate that mate. I cant control what people say on this journal, nor would I want to.

I just hope people are sensible and read it properly and think before they make comment.

Cheers!

Nave - you make me laugh!! (as always) thanks.