So as some of you know... I'm FORTY years old.... I know, I know... Forty is nothing, not old, don't sweat it... I heard this so many times... usually from people who are fifty and over.

BUT forty is a new territory... it's Heart Attack country.  It's the Democratic Republic of Prostate Cancer.  It's a small Greek island called Diabetes.  Really, it's that time in a man's life when he has to face up to the fact that his body is only going downhill.

Sad as that may be, women reach that age at about 30... So.... na na nana na! It's payback for having multiple orgasms, a Gspot AND a clitoris. Facing up to my impending decrepitude, I decided to get a full medical exam today.  Actually I decided on Tuesday, but only got around to it today. I went to BNH hospital on Soi Convent.  I chose this place for several very good reasons... I heard it was cheaper than Bumrungrad.  I heard the service is excellent.  And I heard the nurses are really hot.  Let's face it... if you're going to get examined naked, you'd rather it was a cute nurse than a big, fat biffer, right? As it happens, I didn't need to get naked... a fact the nurses had to tell me several times when I arrived at the reception desk sans Y-fronts. It's an easy mistake to make...

While we're on the subject of easy mistakes, a prostate cancer test doesn't need a finger up the bum... so no need for anyone else to take their own lube to the hospital.  I took mine and the staff couldn't stop laughing... I think it's 'cos it was strawberry flavour. You could take some lube if you are getting an EKG.  I had one today.  A nurse (must be the hot one's day off today) stuck little suction sensors to my chest, wrists and ankles.  She used a little squirt of KY jelly to make sure they grip well.With all the medical miracles available these days, you'd think SOMEONE could invent a way to stop your nipples going hard when a nurse rubs KY on them and covers them with icy cold steel.  But no.  I spent next half an hour walking around the hospital looking like man smuggling peanuts into a health spa.Worse still, was that the nurse failed to wipe off all traces of the KY off my chest... I know it's not REALLY KY, it's probably got some special name... Medilube or Nippogel.  But I bet doctors steal it and use it at home with their wives and nurse gigs.So the front of my shirt was dotted with little discs of 'non-staining' gel... 'Non-staining' in this case meaning 'stains like yacht varnish'. I had an eye exam.  She told me I can see perfectly.  As long as I wear my big thick contact lenses.  See?  And you thought medical college was a waste of time, huh?Then I saw the dentist.  He said I have the teeth of a twenty year old.... unfortunately he meant a twenty year old horse (!)  So he filed down the front ones and gave me a sugar lump and I was out of there.

Before the check-up the staff tell you not to eat or drink for at least 8 hours.  Then the first thing they do when you arrive is hand you two plastic cups for a urine and stool sample...With what was I supposed to make it?The nurse expressly told me for the stool sample they only needed "One Scoop".  So I headed off to the bathroom to force out a couple of samples.  I got a scoopful ready and  I opened the little plastic cup and found a tiny little spoon inside... It was then I understood which scoop they were talking about.... I thought they were talking about an ice-cream scoop sized scoop!  I thought it was a lot, and it was messy to collect... most incovenient... and the Hospital Canteen weren't happy when I told them why I'd borrowed their Rasberry Ripple scoop.I also had a blood test... which means they needed to take my blood.  A LOT of it!  I should have weighed myself before and after.  If they only need a tiny scoopful for a stool sample, why do they need an armful for a blood test?  It's not that I'm afraid of needles... I can look at a needle all day long and not feel threatened at all.  What I am afraid of is a clumsy, short-sighted nurse mistaking an artery for a vein... I always turn my head away when they stick me. I have this fear that when I turn back the needle and syringe will shoot across the room on a torrent of my blood.The worst part of the day though, was the results part... I mean, it's not like school exam results, is it?  You can't resit your AIDS test and hope for a better score.  The doctor sat me in front of a computer screen and ran through a few pages of indecipherable numbers... I just looked and listened for the magic words, "That's normal." or "Nothing to worry about there."So we got the results for every test...except one.  My HIV test....I'd been cheerful and pretty confident all day until the doctor said, "Hmmm your HIV test results aren't back.  I'll just see if there's a little problem." A LITTLE PROBLEM??? What kind of little problem?  Mixed up my blood?  Dropped it?  Lost it?  Doing the test again to make sure? "Oh no, " he chuckled, "Nothing like that, I'm sure."Now I didn't want to be pessimistic, but the nurses had told me all the tests would take about two hours.  But it was 3.30pm and I'd been there for five and a half hours...If they can make a mistake of that size, what could they do with my blood test?

I could just imagine the technicians downstairs holding my AIDS results in their hands saying, "Well I'm not telling him... you tell him!" They were probably playing Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide.

After another 30 minutes, my results arrived.  Sealed in an envelope... just like the OSCARS.  The doctor opened it and told me... "And no problem there either."  I let out a deep breath... The same one I'd been holding for thirty damn minutes!I wanted to give a Thank you speech, "I thank God, my parents, and all the girls who insisted I should wear a condom... this one's for YOU girls."

(So if you're reading this, Miss You-Know-Who-You-Are, don't worry... I TOLD you there'd be no problem) __________________________________________________________________________You might have noticed I called this journal, "A Waste of Money?"Well there's a good reason for that.  The whole day of tests cost 12,000 baht... That's right 12,000 baht for five hours of poking, prodding, scraping and worrying. And what do I have to show for it?Nothing... no illness, no disease, no syndrome.  What a gyp!

___________________________________________________________________________ 

Wait until you are nearing 71!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I was laughing to death !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waste of money ?My first ex forced me to see the doc ..just to see if i was pregnant...and when it came out that i wasn't..he just said 'i knew it, see?'

I gotta read this journal all over again..and gonna read it one more time before hitting my bed !!!

Maybe I'd like to be come an official supporter of English_Bob's journal as well

Always looking for sponsors Nave... Thanks.

You are one spiffingly healthy pld boy, Sir.

8-)))

apart from good photos u (took?+)posts... u're also good in writing....

Women have to check breast cancer and **** (that u guy dont).. so it would be fun to share here.. maybe I will need you to write for me later.

hehehehehe great journall..............but also some good points there.............

Since I turned 40 Ive had a heart attack and discovered I had diabetes(both at the same time,aged 45!!), I hope the downhill trend stops there!! Now I feel great and younger and hope I dont have to go through it all again when I feel like Im 40 again!!!

PS Removing them suction things dont half hurt if you have any hair on your body, my chest looked like it was covered in them big circles that aliens leave in corn fields!!!

I had mine done at the Bumrungrad. Expensive, but thorough.

how do u know that docs steal KY to use at home with thier wives and nurse gigs?

or one of ur gigs is doc/nurse? lol

this is one of the best. i had fun reading the whole journal.

Loved reading it, Bob ............. if you consider my living style I'm feeling not too bad .......... I'm now already fifty and more and still living, does this means I'm out Heart Attack country and out of the Democratic Republic of Prostate Cancer and also out of the Greek island called Diabetes (Damned of I have diabetes type II, but under control ;-)) ... but all the rest is okay, except maybe ....... no, I don't want to think about that lol

.. congrat for you and your miss.. lolz

if i laugh in my sleep tonite it'll be because of this

(So if you're reading this, Miss You-Know-Who-You-Are, don't worry... I TOLD you there'd be no problem)

and ten girls who read this think it was them haha

thanks for sharing... i laughed my head off

xoxo

B.

oh that is a good news Na Jaa...Good day :)