This blog has been coming for a while, and I've been waiting for the right time. Basically, April was one of the top 10 worst months of my life at a time when most people are on top of the world.

I see myself as a person that can roll with the punches...get knocked down, spring back up, and keep life rolling as usual. April beat me down pretty badly. From the small jabs to the knock out uppercuts. I felt everything.

The first thing that caught me off guard was losing my poker business. To make a long story short, the Department of Justice in the USA shut down a few of the largest poker sites in the world to all US players, indicting a few key people and freezing all players' money. About 70-85% of my business died overnight. It took a few days for me to fully understand what happened. Once I was sure what was going on, I broke the honest news to my wife who took it in stride.

One thing that I love and hate about her is that she looks at emotions and business as a typical "man" would. Her response was basically, "That sucks, find something else to do. At least you are teaching at the moment." I love the fact that she isn't so emotional about that things (which is usually what makes relationships end for me). Other times, I'm looking for someone to feel bad for me, which isn't good in and of itself. I'm lucky to have a wife that knows when to tell me to stand up straight and suck it up.

I might not get the exact order right, but the next thing that comes to mind after that was a very serious issue. Jasmine has been physically developing slowly, outside of the bell-curve for normal babies. As I've said before, my father has taught me to be cool about baby problems, but I was too cool about what was really going on. Currently at 11 months, she can't really crawl, which isn't much cause for concern by itself. However, she didn't start sitting up on her own for a long time until just over a month ago. She was also favoring her right side over her left side, which I just attributed to her being right-handed instead of left-handed.

WRONG.

To make a long story short, she has a small lesion on the right side of her brain, which has caused her left side of her body to be inferior to her right. I believe it's a form of Cerebral Palsy called Hemi-paresis, but the doctors here won't go as far as saying that until she is at least two years old. At the moment, the lesion is too small for a brain scan to pick it up.

Anyway, we've been playing it safe and have been giving her physical therapy to support the use of her left side, particularly her left hand. 2 months ago, she would close her left hand in a fist and only use her right hand. Now she is beginning to use both hands, which is wonderful. If you're really interested, go back and check our youtube page on her (BKKvids), and you'll see that it's now obvious.

Needless to say, this was devastating as it would be to any parent. My mother was the first to point it out over a couple of Skype sessions. I knew something was off, but I played it too cool saying that we had a doctor's checkup just a few weeks away where we'd bring up any issues. The more my mother bugged me about it, the more stubborn I got. However, her words grew on me everyday to the point where I sat Jeab down one evening after Jasmine was asleep and told her that I think Jasmine has a mild form of Cerebral Palsy. She cried. I wanted to cry, but nothing would come out.

After that, I called my parents and told them what I feared. Everything is still up in the air in terms of a real diagnosis, but we are sure that she has a physical handicap that will take A LOT of physical therapy to overcome. It hurts a lot. It hurts especially for me (in my egocentric world) because of my high hopes for her as a musician. I love music and literally dream of her and I playing duets one day for fun. I know she can still do many things, but lets be real...this will hinder many things.

The evening that this really hit me, I knelt down in front of her while she was lying down. I swore up and down that I would love her and support her regardless of the diagnosis that occurs next year. Again, I wanted to cry but couldn't get anything out. She giggled and smiled in her usual way, oblivious to any change. That's what drives me forward when times are good or bad nowadays. There's NO WAY I can stop with a smile like that.

The next day a huge rain storm came in. I came home and saw some water below the master bedroom window. It was a tiny centimeter long stream.

"Shit. All I wanted to do was to come home, play with Jasmine, do a bit of her physical therapy, and eat some food." I thought.

Little did I know that the tiny stream led to a HUGE puddle under my bed. Mind you, this is a brand new home that I bought less than 3 years ago. On top of that, the air-conditioner broke and started spitting out ice and water, my balcony flooded into the second floor because some leaves got stuck in the drain, and this really bad other issue came up for me that my friends kindly erased when I needed them the most (those of you close to me know wtf I'm talking about).

While soaking up the flood waters in my bedroom with a few towels, I felt numb. For the past week I had been beaten down, kicked on the ground, and spat on by life...and now Mother Nature was literally and figuratively spitting on me again...in my own bedroom. I didn't feel a thing I was so numb. I was a robot cleaning up yet another mess.

I guess that the good thing that I've brought out from all of this is that I really believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm fucking HE-MAN, Superman, and all Transformers combined to get through all of this...and April, 2011 barely made the top ten worst months of my life at age 30. I remember soaking up all the water from my floor with the feeling that I was just a gladiator working as a slave. In my mind, however, I knew that sometime in the near future I was going to rise up and beat the crap out of my slave owner dude (life). I was going to win. Thus, I scrubbed my floor, numb as can be, waiting for the time to pass.

It's now the second half of May, and on paper, nothing has really changed. My income has been cut in half, my daughter has a yet to be determined physical deficiency, and we are paying out the ass in time and money for her therapy. It's alllll worth it. I love having more things to do with her now. I love making her use her left hand when she screams and yells at me that she wants to use her right hand. It's teaching me how to be a strong but good father. After all, I know more than her (for the moment), I love her more than anything, and dedicating my time to her is more fulfilling than anything I've ever done.

Needless to say, I'm happy that my hell month has passed. As long as Goodghost and and all his co-conspirators are wrong that the world will end on May 21st, 2001, I've got a lot to live for in my wife and daughter, not to mention the rest of my family.

I apologize for the length of this rant, but it's been a long time coming for this to come out. I didn't blog about this last month as I know people get too worried if you post doom and gloom perspectives. I had it in my mind that it was just a phase. I'm still confident, especially now that I have Jeab and Jasmine, that I'll keep succeeding.

Here is Jazz and I at the pool last Monday:

Little Feet 23 ------>

Well friend, I can say only 'You are a real good dad and husband'. The best thing in your life is you still have a chance to take care your beloved. Never give up friend and the rainbow always come after the big storm ^^. Now you realize the value of being a father and I'm sure you daughter will grow up to be a strong woman.

Thank you, Sasie.

To be honest, learning about her possible disability simply reassured my love for her. After planning my first few steps about how to attack the problem, I literally dropped down on my knees and told her I was ready to anything to make her life the best.

A bit melodramatic, but that's how it played out.

I apologize for any typos that are in the blog, and I also forgot to mention my best friend and his family. He has been my best friend since college (moved to TH with me 7 years ago) and has Cerebral Palsy. He has done more in his life than most people I know (including skydiving and snowboarding), and his family has been a wealth of info on this subject for me.

I feel you. It can be very hard for parents when it comes to baby's problems. At least, you let it came out here . It is a way to release stress, tention . Countinuing fighting with the problem, giving here physical therypy and yet living your life is good for your wife, daughter, and yourself. You are strong person and you have lots of good friends who are ready to support you.

easy Rob... bottom line you are handling it and by the sounds of it your wife too...

I sure jazz is your #1 & #1A concern and with both your help

I expect she'll have a very fulfilling future, you are seeing to it!

who can tell what her ambitions and talents are to be,

as a good father you will help her discover them

---and as you have experienced with your friend...there may be limits (for all of us) - but there are so many possibilities too!

Life is hard, I was told and every year or month I see evidence of it,

but ya know, it is pretty wonderful too ----good luck! ...you'll make most of it yourselves!

I can help you by sharing the link of how to repair your home by yourself

http://www.fixitclub.com/

For your daughter, I'm not sure you ever try to massage her or not. The megic of it might help her, too. Remember that you've to think positively and don't let you're sad, angry or depressed because all bad emotion can't support your spirit at all. Coin has 2 sides so let find the bright side my friend.

Exploring - you're right. I use my blog to let things out. Outside of my close family and doctors, I've told 4 people about what has been going on with Jasmine. It felt like a big secret. People who know me well know that I usually say more than I should

Danno - Having my best friend be so close to me over the past 10+ years has taught me that this "problem" is just another hurdle in life. Yes, it sucks to be given another hurdle on top of all the rest, but life is life. Jasmine is my life. Hard to believe after this story, but it's a life that is 1,735 times better (calculated by Harvard University) than my life in 2009.

Haha, I can always count on you, Sasie. We are getting the window fixed on Monday...hope there won't be more big storms this weekend!

As far as massage is concerned, Thai massage is great. It has corrected some semi-serious problems in my back for which I'm soooooo grateful. However, Jasmine's problems come from a form of Cerebral Palsy which is called non-spastic CP, which means that her muscles are not tight. They are actually overly loose and weak. My best friend, David, has the spastic version, which requires stretching and massaging. Thai massage is perfect for his condition.

Well for you, I would like to suggest yoga as I was addicted of Thai massage in the past but two years ago I had a problem at my back from sitting in front of computer for a very long hour per day. I also had a deep pain at my right shoulder. Thai massage can't help me but at my first class of yoga, all pain was gone. Since then I did yoga at home everyday with easy posture. Moreover, I've never catch a cold for 2 years ^^

Well for you, I would like to suggest yoga as I was addicted of Thai massage in the past but two years ago I had a problem at my back from sitting in front of computer for a very long hour per day. I also had a deep pain at my right shoulder. Thai massage can't help me but at my first class of yoga, all pain was gone. Since then I did yoga at home everyday with easy posture. Moreover, I've never catch a cold for 2 years ^^

Great to hear, and thank you for your advice na khrub.

Rob; a fantastic and very moving journal. I hope with all my heart that little Jasmine comes though all the therapy and any treatment fine and dandy. Many of these problems can be treated at an early age and hopefully she will face no impediments as she grows.

But...even if she has some form of disability, I am sure the love and support of you and Jeab (and both families) will see little Jasmine rise to the best of her abilities.

A perhaps inspirational story to think of here is Evelyn Glennie (now a Dame) who is one of the foremost percussionist in the world. Yet she was born profoundly deaf. With the love and belief of their parents, any child can achieve anything.

Rob,

With the love and belief of their parents, any child can achieve anything.

^ That is what you should always keep in mind.

I believe the rough times are life's little tests & lessons. As you've said, they do make you a stronger person. You got through & I sincerely wish you & your family an abundance of happiness from here on out

I am swear I almost cry in the between of the stories.You are such a great father and husband.Life is so hard,if things happened directly to you ,it might be all right because we are an adult.But when it's come to a little beauty Jasmin ,even me i fell sorry for her and for you and your wife as well.I don't know the felling of mother and father because i have no kid.But i can understand that fear but you still have Hope.God will be on your side.Even i am Buddhism but i think God is a great person and you can count on.

"I was just a gladiator working as a slave" Good for you if you think like this.But many peoples are just complain.You have patient that's keep you more strong.I hope all the best for you and your family.

I have more information but i can not write in here,I PM you ok.

geeeezzz Rob ... i feel ur pain !!

**** the poker and money (easier said than done) but the health and well being of ur daughter is number 1 !!!!!!!!!

just walked down the aisle giving away my daughter at her wedding 4 weeks ago today .... was a very emotional day.

hoping things go well for urself, Jeab and Jasmine !!

iSighed. Heres a hug from me Rob.

No need to express my thoughts on Jasmine. You already know.

I thought your comments about how Jeab handled the poker issue were scarily dead on. I was up in Phetchabun during Songkran when the news about the DOJ indictments hit. I hadn't been checking my usual news sources that much but someone emailed me. I thought it was a joke at first. Then I started hitting up my trusted news sites over GPRS and it was true.

Like you, 75% or more of my business was US and nearly all of it was with one of the companies indicted. It was about 2pm when I read the news and I went to the fridge and grabbed a beer as I tried to analyze all of the implications. Not just to me personally but what the industry fallout would be.

I don't usually drink during the day (unless I'm hanging out with Ciaran and Stevie) so Ked knew something was off. She asked what the problem was and I told her. She had the same sort of blase attitude as Jeab. Ked said, "It's okay. Don't worry about it" I wanted to drive home the importance so I said, "No, this isn't like less money next month. This is no money." She replied, "It's okay. You'll think of something. You're smart."

Like you, I was somewhat in a daze by her reaction. I was glad she didn't freak out but at the same time I was also looking for someone to feel the gravity of the situation like I was feeling. And like you I was sort of looking for someone to feel bad for me.

But Ked had the same reaction as Jeab. Suck it up and get on with it. So that's what I've been doing :-)

som nam na hahahaha

So sorry to hear about your daughter and I hope things go well for her.

I hope things get better for you very soon!

Very moving journal. But as Ciaran said, making sure Jazz is okay is number one. Hopefully this is rock bottom so there's only one way to go.

If you need anything, a punchbag, drinking buddy or just someone to slag off....call Admin (preferably in the early hours of the morning). lol

Holla dawg.

Rob, since I moved to BKK almost 2 years ago you and Bill have become my closest friends...my family in BKK. You guys listened to all my problems, supported me and you were always there for me when there was no one else. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. Nothing I can say here will change your situation, but i know the kind of person you are and I know you will make the best happen for your daughter and your family. Stay strong and positive. Love ya bro. No homo...ok...maybe a little.

I read all your journals everything about Jasmine. You know I'm always looking forward for her pictures in FB and here I'm excited every time you post new ones. When I went to your place that time for the bbq Jasmine was tiny I wanted to carry her (very much!) but I was scared she looks very delicate and too precious I don't want to cause her any harm. From that on I always adore her. Knowing this sad news I can't help but cry...That scene that you sat down Jeab and you told her about Jasmine that was really moving. It must be really difficult as her parents.

With all these science, technologies and knowledge of people. I don't want to sound ridiculous (nope not the doomsday thingy) but having faith wont do us harm. I had the worst month it kicked me soo hard the start of 2011 it was beyond my control but there were so many what 'ifs'. Its a long process of acceptance. I was too carried away by your journal!

Rob your a good person you will get all through these shits and Jasmine too!

Aja for the Kawadas!

som nam na hahahaha Meaning You deserve it!

I don't think your education no matter where graduated from making you a good human.Think! If these stories happened to you and your family , how you deal with it? Tell me one great opinion from an educated girl whom mention that she got the Master Degree.WoW! I am surprise!

If you can not say any thing nice and warmth to him and his family better you don't say any word.Oh!!!! Well...i could be rude too! Do you want to hear some?

On my phone so I can't really reply, but thanks to everyone for the support. Through replies and PM's, it's really been incredible and...moving in a way.

Don't mind Bua. We are close and whether it was serious or not, that's how she replies to most problems that I have.

because I know Robert doesn't care about my word, so why should I care