A few days ago, Jasmine had what might have been a seizure. I'm still not sure. Right before we went to bed, she woke up crying, which is normal. Jeab went to her crib, gasped, and said, "Oh my god, ROB!"

She picked her up, I jumped out of bed, and Jasmine was crying hard. I'll never forget that moment that I looked at her. It was straight out of a horror movie except that it was live, and my daughter was the main character being attacked. Her eyes were rolled up into the back of her head, off to the right a bit. She was really scared.

Sometimes she will start crying from a bad dream, and it takes a good 5-10 seconds to wake her up from it. This was very different. We wanted to "wake her up," so we were lightly shaking her saying/yelling her name. We both became frantic. 30 years of life experience were kicking in, and I guess I was prepared because I didn't just shut down. I saw that Jeab was freaking out while she was holding Jazz, so I took her from her arms and tried my best to bring Jasmine back.

Jasmine loves the water. It's one of her favorite things. I took her into the bathroom as I do everyday and asked her if she wanted to take a shower. This usually gets her really excited to the point where she laughs and begins kicking in my arms. No dice. She was literally scared out of her mind and wouldn't stop screaming.

I told Jeab to get ready to go to the hospital. I threw a shirt half on my body while the other arm was still holding onto Jasmine, grabbed the necessities and ran downstairs. This was about 3 minutes into the episode when Jasmine came to. She had that stuttered breathing kids get after a long crying rant. That was a relief, but we weren't feeling it at all.

Rewind: I remember during those first three minutes that I would have done anything to stop it. I realized that I would have ended my own life to save hers, which is normal for a parent...but it was the first time that I had ever truly experienced such an elevated emotional state. "I would die for you" is usually said during sappy love scenes when the person doesn't mean it. I didn't say it, but I felt it. It was truly eye-opening and scary at the same time.

Back in the car it was dark, I had the other half of my shirt on, and we were both shaking. I realized at some point that I hadn't put in my contacts. My vision isn't too bad, and we made it to Nontavej Hospital in under 15 minutes. Jasmine was scared and tired.

I've had nothing but great experiences with Nontavej Hospital, but this experience fell way below par. The on call doctor listened to us, asked a few questions about Jasmine's history and what had happened, and then did some basic vision/reaction/reflex tests. She said we could stay for a 24 hour evaluation, but that she thought it was just an eye spasm since she was crying and her body wasn't flexed. I checked with Jeab to make sure that what I understood was what she was saying when the doctor told me in English, "Yes, that's what I said."

I was a wreck. We decided to leave, and almost forgot to pay. We turned around and asked for our bill, and to our surprise they told us that the visit was free of charge. I guess you get what you pay for.

That night I couldn't sleep. I think I was having panic attacks for the first time ever. I cried for the first time in ages while Jeab and Jazz slept next to me. I knew my mind was playing games with me, but I just let it happen. I imagined a plane crashing through our window and felt panic. I imagined Jasmine turning to me and yelling at me in some demonic tone and felt panic. I imagined myself turning violent against the world and felt panic. I knew these thoughts were straight out of a Hollywood horror movie and weren't real, but I still panicked.

The sun rose and I went to work. I don't know why I went except for the fact that not doing my job usually makes me feel worse about life. When I had free time I was talking with family or writing emails. Every hour or so, I'd picture Jasmine showing the whites of her eyes and I'd cringe. It was a physical reaction like getting tasered for a couple of seconds.

At about 10:00 AM that morning, I spoke with both of my parents. My father asked what Jasmine's pediatric doctor and neurologist had said. In a sure sign that my head was clouded, I realized that I hadn't even thought of telling them what had happened. I made some excuse that I was waiting for them to get to the office instead of admitting that I was being stupid (another sign of a clouded head). I called Jeab, and had her contact them. By early afternoon we had instructions from our neurologist (who is fantastic) on how to deal with the next episode if it occurs.

Unlike the on-call genius "eye spasm" doctor, she didn't rule out a seizure, and was spot on about the direction of Jasmine's eyes when they rolled up and to the right before we even told her. Next time this occurs, we're prepared to make sure she gets through it safely, and have instructions to bring her in immediately for brain scans. A plan is always comforting.

I had what was beyond a stressful day at work. I was constantly thinking of what to do next time this happens, future time and financial implications of all of this, and a whole other football field of related and unrelated stresses.

I drove home in such a worried state. I parked, closed the gate, dropped off my bag, washed my hands in the kitchen and went upstairs. I walked into my room and saw Jeab's mother (Buddha bless her soul) sitting on the floor playing with Jasmine. My entire world of stress and problems vanished for a few minutes when Jasmine turned to see me and smiled her HUGE smile. I got on the floor and did my usual, "How was your day? Did you have fun with grandma? Yeah?!"

We've got an even longer road ahead of us now. I can't explain how thankful I am for my family, friends, and network. The emotional support has been overwhelming. I also apologize if I haven't replied to your messages. Some are so heartfelt that I'd feel worse giving a 2 line thank you message. Please take my blogs as a heartfelt reply from a busy guy (hey, that rhymed).

And a slideshow of Jasmine, mostly from the past 24 hours (WARNING: link contains nudity).

------> Little Feet 25

Rob, I can't imagine how terrible you feel.

For a guy as relaxed and in control as you, this must be a nightmare. The feeling of not being able to fix the problem must be killing you.

Hoping all works out well.

Good luck

Dave

You are fantastic dad .....the proud of your daughter too

Smile for today??? then Keep smiling ^___^ as beautiful as your daughter smile

Dave, it's beyond me at the moment. I sometimes feel like I'm watching it all on TV or reading a book about someone else's life. Cheers.

Sugar, thank you. It's just a period that we have to push through. Smiling can really help.

ถอดแม่มาเลย ^^

Hey Aom,

Yes, they look alike somedays. Other days she looks like my father.

Jesus Rob, I so feel for you. A child taking ill is every parent's nightmare. I remember Cerys had an umbilical hernia at 18 months and they operated - we were allowed to be there while they anaesthetised her and when she went limp in my arms I felt a feeling of utter helplessness I had never felt before and hopefully never feel again.

It sounds like you have a great neurologist and a brilliant familial support network. I am not a praying man in any way but will offer up a silent one for little Jaz.

Thanks, Iain. It's funny you bring up religion. While sitting in my bed during my crazy evening, I remember thinking that this is a time when believing in God would help someone get through a difficult period like this.

Then I remembered that it's scientifically impossible to have a man sitting in a cloud directing "life traffic" with his index finger.

And if there was a god, he'd be on my shitlist right now.

I don't think the prayer has to be a specific deity, just your silent thoughts for what you want/need to happen

I can't even imagine. Wow.

Damn, as Bill said, we cant imagine what you went through that night. Seems the neurologist giving the plan will at least set the gears in motion quickly in case of a repeat.

Feel bad for the little missy.

Our thoughts are with you guys.

เข้มแข็งนะร็อบ

Everybody life are so precious,sometime some one or something testing you.Everybody have faiths and believed ,mine is the The Buddha i prayed for Jasmin please Buddha help her,whenever i made a wish i always wish for peoples include Jasmin as well.Jasmin is so precious for you and your family.I wish i can do or help more.I hope all the best for you Rob.

geeeezz Rob .... sounds like u and Jeab (and Jasmine) r really being put through the wringer at the moment !!

stay strong mate and hope all goes well for u and ur family !!!

Thanks to everyone for the comments. The worst part at the moment is that I find it hard to fully enjoy my time with her as I am always worried that "it" is about to happen again.

The worst is when she gets tired and her eyes roll around before she dozes off. It scares the crap out of me and brings back that horrible memory. I know that this will pass with time.

Another thing that I forgot to mention is that Jeab and I bought Jasmine a health insurance plan the morning before this all happened. I'm not sure if this will turn into a pre-existing condition as we haven't been accepted yet. There is also a one month grace period before we can receive any benefits. Strange timing.

I cannot fathom what you and your family are going through. I hope Jasmine gets well soon and life returns to normal for you and your family.

มาให้กำลังใจ สู้ สู้ นะ Rob!

You'll be stronger everyday and you'll face any problems easily because you've very good spirit in yourself. You love to your daughter will save her and your life. Tomorrow will be better but don't stop fighting. Never give up ^^ Cheers Rob.

It is so hard to say anything now that might help. You are doing everything you can, and have the support around you to help, but personally you have to be going through hell, and not in a biblical sense. Being helpless in these situations is the most trying test your mind will ever have to deal with. There is nothing worse than wanting to help, but not being able to do anything other than put your trust in the hands of others with someone you love so much.

You are lucky to have those people you are forced to trust having as much love for Jasmine as you do. I am strongly in the belief that the problem will be discovered, and in the end Jasmine will grow to be a healthy little girl.

Your strength, and vulnerabilities in this trying time are what allow you to continue to grow as a good loving father, and companion to both Jasmine, and Jeab.

There is nothing worse than the feeling of not being able to help. Remain strong Rob. That is the best you can do right now that will help the ones you love the most.

Anyway Rob, the first time is always the worst: next time you ll both know what to do, and that brain scan is not a bad thing; perhaps also an electro encephalogram??

Take care and cu soon