marrying a thai girl...

[BrownSugar]

Thais should be aware by now that we - westeners do not belive in buying love or looking for approvals dependent on financial gratification!

almost missed this gem... great that you can speak for all westerners but when you do in future please understand the subject matter. That is to say, understand the principle of sin-sot and what it means as opposed to your own personal dealings with Thais asking you for cash payments.

and for the record, yes i'm married, yes to a Thai, yes here in Thailand. When I asked her parents about sin-st her parents said, We don't expect anything, it's hard enough for your generation as it is.

But shhhhhhh wouldn't want the world to hear good or positive stories from the Big Mango, or learn that, shock horror amazement some Thais are actually very nice people...

now we are getting somewhere...and it appears someone is actually looking to help rather then make snide comments (meant in jest perhaps, but i'm not one to like being patronized ;-)

so i assume the dowry is "sin-sot" did you speak to the father about that before the proposal? did you ask for his permission before you asked her too marry? when you asked for permission/blessing is that also the appropriate time to discuss the sin-sot???

Dowry is what the woman (or her family) pay the man. Sin-sot is in fact a "bride price". Correct me if I am wrong.

you're right ja Gi..

Dowry or Dahej is the payment in cash or/and kind by the bride's family to the bridegroom' s family along with the giving away of the bride in Indian marriage .

Bride price also known as bride wealth (or sin-sot) is an amount of money or property or wealth "paid" to the parents of a woman for the right to marry their daughter.

[falangboy]

I'm hearing a lot of advice about learning Thai culture. That's great. But you also have to teach her about western culture (assuming she doesn't understand already). Don't assume that because she speaks English (or any other western language) and/or had a western boyfriend she understands you.

You could try picking up a book like 'Thailand Fever' and reading it (in both Thai and English so you can read it together). It will give both of you a little more insight into the way the other thinks and what you both might expect in the relationship.

Having said that, no book is going to teach you how to live with someone. That you'll have to work out with her. It may sound very "Ann Landers" but you've got to talk through your issues. Unfortunately, in a cross cultural relationship, you may not know what the issues are until its too late.

One important note, don't expect her to tell you everything up front. Thais just don't do this. The money issue is a very good example. You can expect that at some point (unless she's rich) she's going to come to you out of the blue and ask for a large amount of cash for something. They'll be no warning and you, as the loving husband, are expected to be happy about taking on this financial burden. It's almost a given. There are very deep rooted cultural reasons for this so don't always look at it as "farang=ATM" even if that's the way it feels.

Also, as someone else mentioned, someone from her family will probably come to live with you at some time. This isn't definate but highly probable.

In the end, the most important thing is to understand one another. Start with the book and a good talk. It should help you along.

[skurfer]

Thais should be aware by now that we - westeners do not belive in buying love or looking for approvals dependent on financial gratification!

almost missed this gem... great that you can speak for all westerners but when you do in future please understand the subject matter. That is to say, understand the principle of sin-sot and what it means as opposed to your own personal dealings with Thais asking you for cash payments.

and for the record, yes i'm married, yes to a Thai, yes here in Thailand. When I asked her parents about sin-st her parents said, We don't expect anything, it's hard enough for your generation as it is.

But shhhhhhh wouldn't want the world to hear good or positive stories from the Big Mango, or learn that, shock horror amazement some Thais are actually very nice people...

now we are getting somewhere...and it appears someone is actually looking to help rather then make snide comments (meant in jest perhaps, but i'm not one to like being patronized ;-)

so i assume the dowry is "sin-sot" did you speak to the father about that before the proposal? did you ask for his permission before you asked her too marry? when you asked for permission/blessing is that also the appropriate time to discuss the sin-sot???

Dowry is what the woman (or her family) pay the man. Sin-sot is in fact a "bride price". Correct me if I am wrong.

dont look at me lol

thats why i'm asking...so i dont make a jackass out of myself if the time ever comes hahah

[skurfer]

Thais should be aware by now that we - westeners do not belive in buying love or looking for approvals dependent on financial gratification!

almost missed this gem... great that you can speak for all westerners but when you do in future please understand the subject matter. That is to say, understand the principle of sin-sot and what it means as opposed to your own personal dealings with Thais asking you for cash payments.

and for the record, yes i'm married, yes to a Thai, yes here in Thailand. When I asked her parents about sin-st her parents said, We don't expect anything, it's hard enough for your generation as it is.

But shhhhhhh wouldn't want the world to hear good or positive stories from the Big Mango, or learn that, shock horror amazement some Thais are actually very nice people...

now we are getting somewhere...and it appears someone is actually looking to help rather then make snide comments (meant in jest perhaps, but i'm not one to like being patronized ;-)

so i assume the dowry is "sin-sot" did you speak to the father about that before the proposal? did you ask for his permission before you asked her too marry? when you asked for permission/blessing is that also the appropriate time to discuss the sin-sot???

Dowry is what the woman (or her family) pay the man. Sin-sot is in fact a "bride price". Correct me if I am wrong.

you're right ja Gi..

Dowry or Dahej is the payment in cash or/and kind by the bride's family to the bridegroom' s family along with the giving away of the bride in Indian marriage .

Bride price also known as bride wealth (or sin-sot) is an amount of money or property or wealth "paid" to the parents of a woman for the right to marry their daughter.

gotcha! thanks cutie ;-)

[skurfer]

I'm hearing a lot of advice about learning Thai culture. That's great. But you also have to teach her about western culture (assuming she doesn't understand already). Don't assume that because she speaks English (or any other western language) and/or had a western boyfriend she understands you.

You could try picking up a book like 'Thailand Fever' and reading it (in both Thai and English so you can read it together). It will give both of you a little more insight into the way the other thinks and what you both might expect in the relationship.

Having said that, no book is going to teach you how to live with someone. That you'll have to work out with her. It may sound very "Ann Landers" but you've got to talk through your issues. Unfortunately, in a cross cultural relationship, you may not know what the issues are until its too late.

One important note, don't expect her to tell you everything up front. Thais just don't do this. The money issue is a very good example. You can expect that at some point (unless she's rich) she's going to come to you out of the blue and ask for a large amount of cash for something. They'll be no warning and you, as the loving husband, are expected to be happy about taking on this financial burden. It's almost a given. There are very deep rooted cultural reasons for this so don't always look at it as "farang=ATM" even if that's the way it feels.

Also, as someone else mentioned, someone from her family will probably come to live with you at some time. This isn't definate but highly probable.

In the end, the most important thing is to understand one another. Start with the book and a good talk. It should help you along.

thanks!

[zeusbheld]

The only advice I can give is to ignore cynics. .

agree with that BUT ignore the romantics too.

the cultural differences--they is what they is--but if you really know someone you'll know the deal. and if you don't really know someone you gots no friggin business marrying them.

if you want a hot trophy on your arm just date, but marriage is about partnership with another person. get to know the person, make sure it's a good fit, culture is a minor issue if you REALLY know them. if culture is an issue YOU ARE MOVING TOO fast.

[BJ]

I think its a harsh world really and any one that says culture is not a problem is fooling them selves.Of course its a problem if a farang marries into another culture and through experience myself,now twice even myself are still having problems even though I love my lovely little Thai wife,it takes a lot of tolerance and understanding,giving,sharing and time.

How ever you see it,I'm not an expert but a girlfriend,long distance relationship is not marriage and any one that hasn't lived with their love one for a period of time in my opinion is not qaulified to say.

[Grooved_Arete]

I think it probably true to say that "marriage" is viewed differently in Thailand than in (say) England, in how the partners see marriage and what they expect of it.

A few years ago someone sent me these "principles", really one person's thoughts of a Western man's view on what a Thai lady looks for in a man. Obviously, this is the personal experience of one man but I think it is still instructive and I reproduce his thoughts here. Hope this adds some understanding in what can be a tangle for both sides of the relationship.

Best regards,

Robert

" One day, I asked my wife what a Thai wife looks for in a man. Her answer may surprise you. It ran like this

1. Good character - kindness, solidity, trustworthiness

2. 'Good heart' - generosity, kindliness, gentleness, open-heartedness

3. Industriousness - hard-working, averse to laziness, ambitious, serious

4. Get-along-abiltity - easy to live with, be 'partners' with

5. Good humour - laughs a lot, doesn't get angry, not grim

6. Generosity - looks after his family, sees to their every want

7. Tenderness - makes his wife feel wanted and is affectionate

8. Trustworthiness - no drinking session, no other women

Notice something? No mention of 'looks wonderful in tight jeans' - no mention of 'love'? No mention of 'sexual attractiveness'?

I was foolish enough to ask how I, much older than my wife, could get married to her when I'm old and a bit past my sell-by-date. I ran straight into the pile-driver: "Only me can marry you because I very blind and stupid."

She then laughed at her own joke all the way to Pattaya. I sulked.

But, seriously, her list is well worth studying. In a country where social security is unknown, a wife must choose carefully. In the middle classes in Thailand, a courtship may last for several years as the young suitor is examined carefully by the girl and her family. They are looking for many of the qualities in the list given above. Superficial qualities don't count. My wife put it perfectly, in a way that though it sounds facetious, hides a profound truth - she said of a good-looking man on TV - "he'd be nice to go shopping with, but no good for marriage."

To some Thai girls, Westerners seem good marriage prospects because they possess, or seem to possess, many of the qualities in the list given above.

But what does she expect of you? Remember, you're in her culture, not vice versa.

Here are a few pointers. They're entirely from my own experience, drawn from two marriages, so feel free to ignore or accept them.

1.) Thais are homebodies. Life is lived at home, not outside. Thai wives like their husbands to spend a lot of time at home.

2.) Thais are family people. They respect their elder relatives and are bound to help when trouble strikes. When accidents and hospitalisation occur, the family gathers round.

3.) Thai women like a close family life. They like to do things together as a family It follows that they may not be very understanding of men-only gatherings too often.

4.) Thai women find it difficult to accept that a Western man can be 'just friends' with another girl. They may perceive any other woman in your life, however harmless the relationship, as a potential threat.

5.) As a Westerner, you may find your Thai wife's close links with her family a little suffocating. You may find it difficult to adjust to there always being other members of her family in the house.

6.) Thai women make excellent wives and are frugal and hard-working. From the allowance you give her, she will see nothing wrong in putting aside a certain sum each month and not informing you about it. She is quite right to do so, not at all wrong; she is thinking of that rainy day. But this can be misinterpreted if one does not understand the rationale.

7.) Because you have joined her family, as she perceives it, not started a new one as you, a Westerner perceive it, you must discuss very carefully beforehand how you are going to react to requests from her for help for her family. She is thinking of here and now - you see your income as having to cover not only the here and now but that doddering twilight in a cottage in Somerset.

8.) My way was to give a present of money to my wife's mother before the marriage and make it courteously plain, through my wife, that my circumstances did not permit regular calls for my assistance. In addition, I willingly accepted my wife's young nephew into our home when my sister-in-law's husband vanished into the blue. To have refused would have been considered very bad.

9.) If you so arrange things that your attitude is seen as realistic compromise rather than distrustful tightfistedness, you will have no problems in this area.

10.) Not discussing money before marriage causes problems down the line."

[CiaranM]

Either they don't know what they are talking about or they tried and failed. Hardly makes them qualified to give advices.

actually having tried and failed would make ppl very well qualified to offer advice !!!

Not in my book.

Most people don't really learn from their failures. They find "excuses" and "reasons" for it, they blame it on... whatever.

When you fail, you know some stuff that don't work but you still have to figure out what *does work*.

Cynics are merely saying "can't be done / doesn't exist / ain't real"....how is any of that whining gonna help someone who wants to do it?

Just because cynics haven't worked it out doesn't mean it can't be worked out.

BOLLOCKS !!! if ppl don't learn from their mistakes what do they learn from ... and ppl giving advice r not all cynics .... read some of the f**king posts .... and i'm pretty sure some of the guys posting good advice have tried and "failed" in the past and learnt from their experiences !!!

[skurfer]

I think it probably true to say that "marriage" is viewed differently in Thailand than in (say) England, in how the partners see marriage and what they expect of it.

A few years ago someone sent me these "principles", really one person's thoughts of a Western man's view on what a Thai lady looks for in a man. Obviously, this is the personal experience of one man but I think it is still instructive and I reproduce his thoughts here. Hope this adds some understanding in what can be a tangle for both sides of the relationship.

Best regards,

Robert

" One day, I asked my wife what a Thai wife looks for in a man. Her answer may surprise you. It ran like this

1. Good character - kindness, solidity, trustworthiness

2. 'Good heart' - generosity, kindliness, gentleness, open-heartedness

3. Industriousness - hard-working, averse to laziness, ambitious, serious

4. Get-along-abiltity - easy to live with, be 'partners' with

5. Good humour - laughs a lot, doesn't get angry, not grim

6. Generosity - looks after his family, sees to their every want

7. Tenderness - makes his wife feel wanted and is affectionate

8. Trustworthiness - no drinking session, no other women

Notice something? No mention of 'looks wonderful in tight jeans' - no mention of 'love'? No mention of 'sexual attractiveness'?

I was foolish enough to ask how I, much older than my wife, could get married to her when I'm old and a bit past my sell-by-date. I ran straight into the pile-driver: "Only me can marry you because I very blind and stupid."

She then laughed at her own joke all the way to Pattaya. I sulked.

But, seriously, her list is well worth studying. In a country where social security is unknown, a wife must choose carefully. In the middle classes in Thailand, a courtship may last for several years as the young suitor is examined carefully by the girl and her family. They are looking for many of the qualities in the list given above. Superficial qualities don't count. My wife put it perfectly, in a way that though it sounds facetious, hides a profound truth - she said of a good-looking man on TV - "he'd be nice to go shopping with, but no good for marriage."

To some Thai girls, Westerners seem good marriage prospects because they possess, or seem to possess, many of the qualities in the list given above.

But what does she expect of you? Remember, you're in her culture, not vice versa.

Here are a few pointers. They're entirely from my own experience, drawn from two marriages, so feel free to ignore or accept them.

1.) Thais are homebodies. Life is lived at home, not outside. Thai wives like their husbands to spend a lot of time at home.

2.) Thais are family people. They respect their elder relatives and are bound to help when trouble strikes. When accidents and hospitalisation occur, the family gathers round.

3.) Thai women like a close family life. They like to do things together as a family It follows that they may not be very understanding of men-only gatherings too often.

4.) Thai women find it difficult to accept that a Western man can be 'just friends' with another girl. They may perceive any other woman in your life, however harmless the relationship, as a potential threat.

5.) As a Westerner, you may find your Thai wife's close links with her family a little suffocating. You may find it difficult to adjust to there always being other members of her family in the house.

6.) Thai women make excellent wives and are frugal and hard-working. From the allowance you give her, she will see nothing wrong in putting aside a certain sum each month and not informing you about it. She is quite right to do so, not at all wrong; she is thinking of that rainy day. But this can be misinterpreted if one does not understand the rationale.

7.) Because you have joined her family, as she perceives it, not started a new one as you, a Westerner perceive it, you must discuss very carefully beforehand how you are going to react to requests from her for help for her family. She is thinking of here and now - you see your income as having to cover not only the here and now but that doddering twilight in a cottage in Somerset.

8.) My way was to give a present of money to my wife's mother before the marriage and make it courteously plain, through my wife, that my circumstances did not permit regular calls for my assistance. In addition, I willingly accepted my wife's young nephew into our home when my sister-in-law's husband vanished into the blue. To have refused would have been considered very bad.

9.) If you so arrange things that your attitude is seen as realistic compromise rather than distrustful tightfistedness, you will have no problems in this area.

10.) Not discussing money before marriage causes problems down the line."

thanks I appreciate the effort!!!!

[Anna25231980]

wow...lot of good advice :-D

[Sylver]

Not in my book.

Most people don't really learn from their failures. They find "excuses" and "reasons" for it, they blame it on... whatever.

When you fail, you know some stuff that don't work but you still have to figure out what *does work*.

Cynics are merely saying "can't be done / doesn't exist / ain't real"....how is any of that whining gonna help someone who wants to do it?

Just because cynics haven't worked it out doesn't mean it can't be worked out.

BOLLOCKS !!! if ppl don't learn from their mistakes what do they learn from ... and ppl giving advice r not all cynics .... read some of the f**king posts .... and i'm pretty sure some of the guys posting good advice have tried and "failed" in the past and learnt from their experiences !!!

and

The only advice I can give is to ignore cynics

Either they don't know what they are talking about or they tried and failed. Hardly makes them qualified to give advices.

So I am definitely not saying that all people giving advices are cynics. What I am saying is that cynics are best ignored.

In regards to "what do people learn from", I would venture that learning from mistakes only is a fairly narrow approach to learning. You can learn in school, you can learn by talking to people, observing, doing...

If you think about it, most of the things you do know, you haven't learned them from your mistakes. So why put such an emphasis on mistakes? Are they realy worth it?

Skurfer - sorry for highjacking your thread and good luck with your gal. I am not taking this argument further.

[zeusbheld]

any one that hasn't lived with their love one for a period of time in my opinion is not qaulified to say.

a year is not enough then is it?

[XCHANELX]

any one that hasn't lived with their love one for a period of time in my opinion is not qaulified to say.

a year is not enough then is it?

it's freakin half of ur 401k right there if u want out...one year????

[zeusbheld]

any one that hasn't lived with their love one for a period of time in my opinion is not qaulified to say.

a year is not enough then is it?

it's freakin half of ur 401k right there if u want out...one year????

half of everything yesh but is it enough of a period of time to be qualified to say, that is the *real* question.

[Grooved_Arete]

Continuing on from my previous post about Thai marriage principles and what qualities a Thai lady might look for in a man, I would like to highlight the importance of duty.

The man in my story mentioned that when marrying a Thai person, it was not so much a matter of setting up a new home with the bride (as is customary in the West) but rather, from the perception of the Thai woman, an extension of her own family home.

As a rule, her first duty - represented by the Thai words ºØ­¤Ø³ (Boon khoon) or ·Ó˹éÒ·Õè (Tam naa-tii) meaning a sense of obligation/perform duty to parents - will be to make sure that her parents are well in their old age and reflects a real difference in cultural approach and attitude/respect for older people.

Prospective grooms to be with Thai brides should be prepared to respect this cultural thread by playing their role in a generous and sympathetic way.

Good luck and much happiness!

Regards,

Robert

PS This does not mean that the husband has to be an on-line ATM, but that goes when two Western partners decide to marry. 'Gold diggers' come in all shapes, sizes and nationalities - ask ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney!

[Grooved_Arete]

Is it possible that we can have some contribution to this thread from TF ladies please? And preferably Thai ladies.

Most of the comments have been posted by Western men and however informed or otherwise some of the comments may be, it takes 'two to tango'!

Can we have some original contrbutions from the ladies' point of view?

Regards,

Robert

[Angel_Master]

I think Thai/Farang relationships really have to be taken on a case by case basis. Sure there are some types of relationships that form some very common patterns. When such a relationship is identified then there can be a good deal of applicable advice available to follow.

The asking for money thing seems to be the most frequent issue that comes up. Yes in Thai culture it is perfectly acceptable to ask. It is also acceptable to ask about what the money is for and provide resistance to giving away money too easily.

A lot of good advise as been given here. When you marry a Thai woman you marry her family. If you can't be happy with the family, don't marry her. There has to be a clear understanding from the beginning about approximately how much financial support you are able to provide if you?re marrying a girl from a poor family who does not have good sustainable income of her own. If you don?t feel comfortable providing financial assistance for her family then don?t marry such a girl.

[Squirreloncrack]

any one that hasn't lived with their love one for a period of time in my opinion is not qaulified to say.

a year is not enough then is it?

it's freakin half of ur 401k right there if u want out...one year????

half of everything yesh but is it enough of a period of time to be qualified to say, that is the *real* question.

exactly what?s a year compared to a lifetime why so desperate

don't justify yourself so easy

[Anna25231980]

After you have real girl.....;P = not a lady boy

Did you know well about Thai culture? = he always complain " Thai culture"

Do you know about dowey for thai girl? do you agree with that? = "he heard about it but he disagree"

I knew some farang and Thai lady that they broke up cos the farang disagree for thai culture!!!

sad for her = she doesn't TF lady!!

so maybe the relationship you speak of ended because of the girls lack of willingness to compromise...or her familis lack of willingsnes??? = seems like she doesn't want to lose her family face!!

PS. Sorry if i missed the point cos misunderstood.

Regards

Anna/Pui

[PlaiFar]

I agree with Grooved_Arete and Angel_Master. Marriage is a gamble and it is about luck. Why keep asking people what should you do when you are the person who is going to get married? your life,your decision and you two who are going to make it works. If it doesn't work out then find someone else, I know it is not easy but the world is not going to end just because of your relationship doesn't work out. And one more thing, make sure she does love you not because it's a fashion to have a farang bf/husband. Use your brain to think, not what is hanging between your legs!

have you asked yourself what will you do if you marry a none thai girl?

[SiamHotel]

so what are the steps?

ok ok, np buddy...

so, what'x "Punyisa"'s cell # btw :?:

[zeusbheld]

any one that hasn't lived with their love one for a period of time in my opinion is not qaulified to say.

a year is not enough then is it?

it's freakin half of ur 401k right there if u want out...one year????

half of everything yesh but is it enough of a period of time to be qualified to say, that is the *real* question.

exactly what?s a year compared to a lifetime why so desperate

don't justify yourself so easy

desperate for what? justify myself for what? what are you even talking about? are you saying that one is only qualified to say after spending a lifetime with a thai girl? don't know how to break it to you but after a lifetime i'll be DEAD and not saying much of anything about anything.

[skurfer]

Is it possible that we can have some contribution to this thread from TF ladies please? And preferably Thai ladies.

Most of the comments have been posted by Western men and however informed or otherwise some of the comments may be, it takes 'two to tango'!

Can we have some original contrbutions from the ladies' point of view?

Regards,

Robert

ya that would be cool...

the big question that i have not had resolved yet...

Do I ask the father for permission to ask the girl to marry BEFORE I ask her? and when do you discuss sin-sot with the father? is he expecting you to come to him or vice versa?

[zeusbheld]

Is it possible that we can have some contribution to this thread from TF ladies please? And preferably Thai ladies.

Most of the comments have been posted by Western men and however informed or otherwise some of the comments may be, it takes 'two to tango'!

Can we have some original contrbutions from the ladies' point of view?

Regards,

Robert

ya that would be cool...

the big question that i have not had resolved yet...

Do I ask the father for permission to ask the girl to marry BEFORE I ask her? and when do you discuss sin-sot with the father? is he expecting you to come to him or vice versa?

well, i personally would ask her first. you can always keep it discreet until you approach her family.

is she from the city? where did you meet her? if you met her clubbing or something then she's probably fairly cosmopolitan and her family will at the very least tolerate her enthusiasm for farrangs. if she's less educated/cosmopolitan, it's likely neither her nor her family will be educated much in the mating habits of farrangs, so better book up ASAP.

the upside is that thais generally expect farrangs to be clueless, so if you screw up no biggie, mai bpen rai.